The Word Try

 

I have always taught my kids to "try" their best.  As long as they are working toward something, and putting in the effort, I am happy.  So, it was with great interest that I read this article in the Huffington Post about parenting and the word "try" not being part of the vocabulary and an excuse: Battle Plan of the Tiger Daughter

When my son comes home with a not so perfect score, and he sees my questioning look, he will tell me "Mom, I tried my best." 

I know that this is true; my sons (both of them) will put in the effort and do their best.  They do not make excuses, they work hard in school, and they love their school.  I am trying to teach them the value of the process of learning, rather than the end result, or grade, or mark.  To value learning intrinsically.  

I am learning in the process too; when I was first a parent, I was very competitive and wanting the best for my sons; however, my eldest son, the true leader and teacher in our family, is not competitive.  He is like his father.  Someone else scores higher on a test....that's great for them!  Someone else is in a faster ski group....great; I'm not ready for that yet.    His younger brother reads faster and bigger books; great, I am reading something else.

Trying is important, the process is important, letting our kids word hard is important, but parenting our children to value learning and where they are in that learning process is the most important thing.  Learning to ask questions, learning to think for themselves, learning to take charge of their ideas and to understand frameworks, processes, and where they fit into it all is valuable.

I especially think this is true for our gifted students.   These students need to learn processes and how to think and how to question and how to make learning their own.  This is only learned by experience, and risk taking, and trying new things.  

I will give an example; I had a student in my program who on the test scores, was completely at the high end of the scale.  When I began working with her,  she was the student that kept coming up and asking, "Can I do this...." or "Is this what you want...." or "Should I do this...".  It seemed like every 15 minutes she had to ask permission from me to do something.  So, I sat her down, and told her that I wanted to see her ideas and that there were no "right answers" here; that she needed to follow criteria, and be creative, and come up with her own ideas.   This was a huge struggle for her.

Then I asked about her school week...what she did at home, was she involved in any extra-curricular activities, and so forth.  And then it all came out:  tutoring,  intense music lessons, studying.  Wow, this student was busy.  But what I wonder and what I come away with is a feeling that perhaps this student just needed time to read on her own, reflect on her own, play with friends, and experience being a child rather than being involved in outcome based activities all the time.

As we reflect on our parenting styles on Mother's Day, let's remember that "try" is important.  It is not an excuse.  It is part of the process that will get us to higher level thinking and help us understand who we are and where we are as learners.

I applaud the author Deanna Fei, who at the end of the article, discusses how she will raise her child:  

"My husband and I made some modifications to our battle plan. We'll emphasize basic diligence and rigor, along with personal choice. We'll probably deploy my mother's line about the word "try," but only if our kids bring home a grade below, say, 92. We won't care if our kids can't play piano for their lives, as long as they pursue some kind of passion. "

This is the process of learning in action:   looking at our parenting as a process and learning from the past, and moving forward with how we will live our lives.